I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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