my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
