end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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