He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I am naked and annoyed.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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