i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
