What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
