I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
