the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
