85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
