Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
