If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
