so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
