Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
