My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
