My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
