just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
