I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
