Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
