I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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