:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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