The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Still dying that you shit outside
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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