Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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