I just pynch a tree in the face
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
