remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
