Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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