also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My vagina is officially offended.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
