i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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