oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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