I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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