you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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