So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
