His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
