i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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