Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
