tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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