It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
