I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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