I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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