I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
