Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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