We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
