we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
