I looked at my own cervix.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
third nipple confirmed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
