Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
