A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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