why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
