Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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