It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
