I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
