You're my little dorito
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
