Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
