I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
