I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
