Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
