I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
