What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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