even my farts smell like vagina
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
