If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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