I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
