why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
