did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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